You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles