What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training