You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Something Saturday.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
😩😩😩
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time