My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake