“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work