My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler