Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”