Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Would you wear it?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
So creative 😂
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
me and my fake scenarios
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?