[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
Story of my life…..
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.