[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do