“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
my name if I was in the mob
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
okay run it by me one more time
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I love it all
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.