I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
That was easy.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School