If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.