“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.