You Might Also Like
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
knights of the ikea table
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Life is a suicide mission.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.