So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Good Morning.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
So inspired right now.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You had me at “define legal”.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.