[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I can’t stop laughing at this
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
me irl
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.