It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.