Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Eat…
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
this is the most humiliating day of my life
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.