If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
You Might Also Like
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
No chill.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look