I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
pizza
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement