The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My Sentiments Exactly
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!