Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..