I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
seems like a niche market
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.