*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.