Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I hope it’s French Onion!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*