Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.