Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
i was baptized in a car wash
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.