According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
You Might Also Like
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm