Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Awesome parenting 😂
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.