If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
(Jupiter –
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive