My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.