me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
good for her
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all