Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Lucky old June.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
(Electricians.)
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem