Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Bread puns are on the rise!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
i now pronounce you bounced.