Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.