Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
You Might Also Like
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
These dogs look like they have good credit.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Has science gone too far?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.