Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Autocarrot sucks!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.