My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When news reporters do sports stories
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.