me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣