A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.