IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Does your wife know you’re single?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
This chloroform smells expensiv…