A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Going into Monday like
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves