Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.