Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved