I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah