A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.