[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon