[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.