I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Order here:
More here:
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story